I’ve been making changes this year and it sucks, but it’s necessary. Last summer I started feeling like I was stuck somewhere in grief. I felt clearly around the 2 year mark that the acute phase of my grief was behind me, but there was something else routinely challenging me in everyday life. I was waking up in the middle of the night fully clenched, my jaw aching. I was having wild, unpredictable mood swings (mostly on weekends) with severe depression making an appearance on a monthly cadence. My hair started falling out. 

In September my regular therapist went out on maternity leave and I took the opportunity to work with a grief specialist I’d worked with before and together we’ve made incredible progress in helping me get to the root of my disarray. I also bought myself a few private sessions with a somatic breath worker to try and work through what was happening in my body, and for the first time in my life I have been able to settle my body and feel deep, abiding love for myself. I set appointments with a dermatologist for the hair loss, and also set an appointment with my OB-GYN to chat about options to relieve the monthly depression I experience. 

In late October I was molested by a bodyworker I trusted during a massage, and I didn’t tell anyone about it for fear I would be blamed for my own victimization. I came to realize that he’d been slowly escalating inappropriate touch and testing boundaries over months and I was too numb to notice or defend myself. 

In early November my relationship fell apart for a multitude of reasons, and the man I was seeing moved out. Moments before we broke up, he said the cruelest thing anyone has ever said to me and I’m proud of myself for immediately recognizing that I didn’t need to tolerate such words from a partner. After he left my clenched jaw immediately dissipated, and my hair began to regrow. My mood swings and depression fell into a predictable cadence, fully aligning with my hormonal cycles and giving me hope that I will find relief with my OB-GYN.  I started to confront the ways I let my former partner defy my boundaries and overwhelm my nervous system, and I’ve been working to digest the lessons I need to learn from that experience.

In January I realized that I wasn’t going to make any more progress than I already had with Krudler, and that I was not the ideal home for him. In addition to my inability to meet his needs, I noticed that I was abandoning my own in favor of trying to meet his. Further sacrificing myself at the Alter of the Other and another instance of finding myself trapped in caregiving. I am in progress on rehoming him, and I’m confident I will find him the perfect home with time. (You can read more about him on his Adopt-A-Pet profile.)

In January I also decided I needed to take – at a minimum – an extended break from my cannabis use. I used it as a crutch to get me through caregiving and early grief, and I was continuing to use it as a method to get away from my emotions on a daily basis. 

While I tapered down my usage over 1-2 months, full abstinence was difficult to tackle for the first few weeks. My dreams were vivid, wild, and full of Jordan. I woke up in the night devastated anew from the loss of him. My sleep was restless and sweaty, my depression had unpredictable spikes, my anger started surfacing at inopportune times – all common withdrawal symptoms. Now in March, these symptoms have abated and I feel more and more embodied in this new version of myself as I continue to align my daily choices with my growing understanding of who I am now. 

I’ve confronted the difficult realization that I was using both relationship and marijuana to avoid the full depth and breadth of my grief. I know now that I was – unconsciously – desperate to rebuild the life I lost and I made choices in relationship and dog ownership that showcased my inability to confront the loss of my husband and my favorite dog within the same month. I made choices for a version of me that died with Jordan, and I tried to smash myself into a mold that couldn’t possibly contain this regrown version of me.  

I’ve been distancing myself from relationships that do not serve whoever this new version of myself is since the spring of 2024, but between focusing on my grief work, Krudler, and my now-defunct relationship I neglected to nurture new connections and my social circle has shrunk. While I have good support and loving relationships with the amazing folks still in my world, I am lacking in those kinds of fresh connections that encourage new growth, and those kinds of single connections that allow for spontaneity and weeknight adventure. 

To combat that, I’m spending more time doing things on my own. Taking myself out to dinner, volunteering, attending live music or performance art solo, taking classes. I’m trying to grow that muscle of self-trust that I’ve never used before – I’ve spent the VAST majority of my adult life in relationship with another, and I don’t know how to be in the world alone. 

I’m also tackling some redecorating projects in my house, which is long overdue. It’s been cathartic to give new life to my space, and to lean into the fact that it’s only mine to decorate. I miss being able to lean on Jordan for things like drywall repair and using wall anchors, but I’m learning things on my own and there’s a lot of power in that.

I’m also trying to find new ways to accept and welcome my grief. To give it voice, and to accept that sadness is a part of me now. To acknowledge it and hold it close when it comes to visit, instead of pushing it away in favor of keeping those around me comfortable. I’ve been on the hunt for IRL groups of younger folks who also suffered spousal loss, but connection evades me for now. 

I’m also trying to express gratitude to myself and to others for what has helped me get to this moment. 

I’m grateful for those friends who let me come over to watch movies with them, or to share a meal, or to get out for a walk together. I’m grateful for those friends I can call and talk about nothing on the phone with for an hour. I’m grateful for those who check in on me, even if it’s been a while, because depression keeps me from reaching out to them. 

I’m deeply grateful for the rehoming counselor and dog trainer who is helping me with Krudler right now (Practical Paws) – I couldn’t do this without their support and their willingness to freely give Krud their time to get to know him and help him transition to a new home successfully. 

I’m grateful for all the mental health professionals who have seen me through my darkest moments, and who continue to support me through difficult, unpleasant, and unwanted change. 

And I’m grateful to me. I’m grateful I knew to stop drinking when I did during Jordan’s illness. If I had not stopped, I am certain I would be facing far greater problems with both my physical and mental health than I am now. I’m grateful that I have pursued yet another season of change and growth despite not wanting to do so. I’m grateful that I am able to recognize when something isn’t right for me anymore, despite needing to do and confront difficult things to make a change. I’m grateful that I built a routine that supports my physical body when I don’t have the energy to confront anything else. I’m grateful that my grief-addled choices are all things that I can move beyond and learn from, and they are a part of my recovery and story. I’m grateful for the resiliency I’ve cultivated in myself, and the trust in my intuition that I have carefully developed.  I grateful that I can confront hard things, even when I do not want to. 

Despite the somber tone of much of this update, I feel more myself than I have since Jordan’s second bout with cancer and I’m excited about what comes next for me. Life has been very challenging and steeped in change for the last 4 years, and I’m eager to fully shift into a stage with more joy, openness, and expansion. On the horizon I have my 40th birthday next month, and my first ever paid sabbatical from work this fall. I also have tickets to see a my favorite band from when I was a teen – The Dead Milkmen – this summer. There is much to be grateful for, much to look forward to, and much to hold close as I keep moving forward.

Love to you for reading!