one dog

I have had multiple dogs since Jordan and I adopted Aurora in 2011. I’ve had three dogs since we adopted Pinto in 2014. Even after Bruiser died in 2023, I got another dog a little over a month later.

For the last month, I have had one dog – Pinto. About 2 weeks after Aurora died, Krudler headed off to foster where he’s thriving, leaving me and Pinto as the only ones left.

I’ve moved some emotions about it. A big piece of my identity was wrapped up in being part of a pack of dogs, and that’s essentially gone. There was some relief at being both free of the responsibilities of managing an elderly dog who’s body was starting to fail, as well as the responsibilities of having a dog with severe behavioral issues, and there was some guilt about having that relief.

In both cases, I was falling back into those habits I developed while devoting myself to caregiving while Jordan was dying. I was isolating, I was wishing for escape, I was craving weed, I was having physical symptoms of repressed anger…it was weighing on me.

In this last month, I’ve been sleeping better. My jaw is more relaxed, and there’s a tension missing from my everyday. I still feel guilt when I see video of Krudler’s work with the trainers. I still work not to get down on myself for not being able to be the person he needed. I think it’s just going to take time for me to move through that, just like it took time for me to move through some guilt I had about not being a “good enough” caregiver for Jordan in his final months.

The trainers who have him left me feeling a little judged, and that’s been something for me to sit with. A wise friend (the inimitable Barbarella) heard me say that and asked me if I had any judgements about them, because “who gives a fuck what people you judge think.”

Pinto is adapting well to being an only child, I think. He spent a little time moping around, and his relationship with food has changed now that there’s no peer-pressure to consume whatever hits the ground. But we’ve found a new groove together and he’s enjoying his extra walks and the fact that he gets to join me on more adventures. Just this last week he went to the beach twice in one day, went out to dinner and got to eat everything a toddler dropped on him, and visited with a friend. He’s also enjoying his solitude I think, he’s been sleeping more deeply and doesn’t have that edge of crankiness that he’s had since Krudler joined the pack.

I still wasn’t sure how he was feeling about it until a friend’s dog that stays with us regularly was here for a day. Pinto spent about five minutes not-quite playing, looked at me like “what is this,” and then went to his room (the guest room) to be left alone. I guess he’s adapted.